Explaining Autism

Autism is life long neurological developmental condition, or in simpler terms, it’s a condition that developed at birth and continues to develop as we continue to age. Autism effects everybody differently, some more than others; some can manage with little or no support and others will need full time care depending on the severity of their Autism and where they are along the spectrum.autism_wordline.jpgEverybody with a diagnosis of Autism is placed somewhere amongst a spectrum, or was before the DSM-5 Criteria cam into play, hence it being a spectrum disorder, which means nobody with Autism is the same, so you never can compare one Autistic person to another. Instead of imagining the spectrum as a linear line, picture it as a wheel with all your own Autistic traits dotted in various places depending on their severity; the more severe traits you display, the more likely you’ll be diagnosed further along the spectrum, to be diagnosed with Autism, you have to meet the DSM-5 Diagnostic Criteria which I speak about below; for some this can be an easier process than others, as Autism is one of those ‘hidden disabilities’ and the less severe it is, the more masked Autism can appear to be, especially in girls; it’s known for females to mask Autism better than males which is more than likely why there is a higher percentage of males diagnosed in comparison to females, it’s important to get a diagnosis when you first notice symptoms, as the process can be often a very lengthly one for most and having a diagnosis early, means that life can potentially be made easier for when you reach adulthood, as access to help is more open and available. Autism can be linked with other conditions, like various learning disabilities, mental health issues and other conditions, such as dyslexia, dyspraxia, pathological demand avoidance, sensory processing disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, emotional unstable personality disorder etc. so support for every person with Autism differentiates from person to person depending on specific needs. Autism is actually a very common condition also, around 7000,000 people in the UK alone are diagnosed with the condition, so you are never really alone even if it may feel like you are.


People diagnosed with Autism have three main area’s of impairments, difficulty with social interaction, communication and imaginative play. Often those who are diagnosed with Autism struggle with knowing or being aware of what is or isn’t socially appropriate, like often coming across as rude for example, as we have the tendency to speak before we think, this is linked with the way our body’s process information, generally our processing speeds are slower than average and therefore it takes us more time to comprehend and make sense of something, to help, allowing more time for a response or reminding us to think carefully before hand can lead to less upset for the other person and ourselves. Making conversation is the second main difficulty that those with Autism have, they may come across as shy or even quite the opposite, this is usually depending on factors such as, who we’re with, what situation we’re in or how well or how comfortable we are with the person, another reason why communication and making conversation can be a struggle, is because we often like things to be certain, we’re never quite sure in how the other person will respond to what we say, and so prefer to be approached first rather than ourselves having to be the conversation starter, not to mention also, we like what’s being said to be short and simple because comprehension can be a great difficulty with many on the spectrum, some, even go through SALT (speech and language therapy) for it; last and not least, imaginative play, for those with Autism like myself, picturing something in our heads is a very difficult thing to do as our mind has the tendency to be very black and white with very little grey area in between, this is partly why we also think in the way that we do, literate, and are very certain or rigid with our believes and what’s right or wrong and so on. Other Autistic traits or characteristics that a person with Autism will often display are intense or obsessive interests, otherwise known as having the ability to become hyper-focused on something we’re passionate and have a high level of interest in, rigid routines; dislike for change or spontaneous occurrences – it’s a good idea if change is going to happen to prepare the person timely in advance, difficulties responding or recognising emotions, reading facial expressions, repetitive behaviours or the need to stim, such as rocking, hand flapping or making high pitched noises due to over or under stimulation or even a mixture of the two, as it’s more than common for those with Autism to have sensory processing disorder. Things that can help with this is purchasing various sensory items like fidget toys, weighted blankets, fairy lights, noise cancelling headphones etc. A person with Autism may also be non-verbal, be very organised, be impatient, give little eye contact, have high or low tolerability towards feeling pain, be very literal, struggle with decision making, and struggle with personal hygiene and personal space.

A person with Autism pictures the world very differently to someone without, often it can be quite an overwhelming experience and they see the world as being against them as it appears like a massively scary place, even the littlest of things can cause anxiety for a person who’s Autistic, such as going out somewhere new, change, meeting someone whether that person is known to them or not etc.

Getting a diagnosis doesn’t mean you’re automatically placing a lable on yourself, labels are found on text books or food packaging, they explain and define very little, where as a diagnosis does not. A formal diagnosis can be a way forward for you or your child to being one step closer to receiving help, that can make life become so much more easier than what it may well be without, it allows you to access things you may’ve not be able too without the condition formally diagnosed, not to mention having a diagnosis explains to you and others around yourself the reasons why you think, say and do the things you do; having a diagnosis doesn’t define you, it’s merely just an explanation to help people understand you better and to help you understand and make sense of yourself too, it’s nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of, and although it may automatically feel like you’ve suddenly become different from the rest of your friends and peers, the reality is, we’re all different anyway so what’s it matter?


Having Autism isn’t a bad thing, in fact there’s quite a few perks and positives to having the condition that could quite easily outweigh it’s struggles, for example, most people with Autism are very clever individuals and excel academically, there’s also the well known fact that people with Autism can be very talented and excel exceedingly in one or more of the following areas, mathematics, music, art and computing this is often down to our great ability to focus intensively on an area of interest, I also believe that it’s easier to express ourselves through these interests rather than through role play or by other means, which as I’ve said previously is a thing we have difficulty doing. Another fantastic thing about Autism is our memory capacity, for the most of us who have Autism, you’ll always be wanting to watch what you say due to our sensitive ears and our ability to hone in and remember conversation word for word, that’s if, we’re not in selective hearing mode; we can retain large amounts of information more so than a person without the condition, and remember things that others would easily forget, though, this doesn’t apply for everyone, and it can differ between short term and long term, some have extradorinaiy short term memory but poor long term and others it’s the complete opposite; some of us are very organised too, which is partly down to of our love for routine, it means we’re never or rarely late, and have everything and more that we need in preparation prior to what ever could be or is happening, making us very efficient individuals, which is something employers later in life will want you to be, and is expected from your teachers and lecturers during your years of education too don’t forget. We’re also often very straight forward and don’t really have any hidden agendas, though sometimes that does mean we can come across as a little rude or insensitive. We don’t really live on expectations, nor follow stereotypically that’s expected or demanded of us for our particular age range and generally live life at our own pace, a lot of the time’s in our own bubble; overall I believe that we are very unique and special individuals and should embrace the fact that we have Autism rather than to deny it, to not just the people around us but to ourselves too and I think having Autism isn’t all that bad if I’m to be truthful.

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Just because you have Autism, it doesn’t make you any less of a person than a person who’s not neurodiverse like yourself. It doesn’t stop from being able to achieve any less and it doesn’t disable you from doing what the rest of the people can do even though it is classed as a disability, but that’s besides the point, all having Autism means is that you may find that things take a little longer to grasp and you may have to find different ways of doing them in order to succeed at the same or higher rate as everybody else – that’s another thing though, a lot of people who have Autism have an amazing work ethic, that often will keep us ahead of the workload anyway even with the struggles standing. The quicker you learn to understand and accept yourself, the easier it’ll be for others to do the same. Just be happy with who you are, it’s apart of you and you may as well embrace it rather than waste excess energy on fighting something that won’t ever disappear. You were born this way for a reason, you can find ways to help, and you can find ways to make life easier, but don’t simply deny the condition just because you don’t want it, either way it’ll still be there and it’ll only cause more hard work for not only the people around you but yourself too. I’m proud to be Autistic, I have Autism and it’s apart of who I am and I wouldn’t change it for the world, so why aren’t you?

https://www.autismspeaks.org/what-autism/diagnosis/dsm-5-diagnostic-criteria http://www.jalderson.com/imagination-autism-irony-treatment/ http://www.autism.org.uk/card


Being Selfish

Am I honestly not allowed to be remotely selfish from time to time? Is selfishness not allowed in the lives we were given to live, why should I always immediately and automatically feel the need to have to, due to expectation and selflessness, place others in front of myself in order to provide them happiness and to leave myself feeling somewhat miserable in that process. Life isn’t fair, and I know you can’t expect to be happy or enjoy every minute of it, even though it’s all assumed by someone, somewhere we should; there’s going to be some things that you’re going to have to compromise on or lay either side upon, but at the same time your feelings should be taken in to consideration too, you can’t live a life where you’re constantly trying to make a decision that will please someone else, to make them happy and yourself not, it’s just not mentally acceptable or healthy, on the other hand, if you make a decision that’s based on your needs and wants, you’re then instantly labelled selfish or childish and frowned upon, there’s just no win in this ideal world that we’re supposed to live in and be apart of.

Here’s a recent example. I’m having some trouble right now mentally and emotionally, yet some chose to disregard such things as being apart of difficulties in relation with mental health and assume it’s all necessarily down to fear whether it’d be rational or irrational. My parents go on “holiday”, if you can really call it that, for a “break”, now that can’t be a break from myself because myself would be with them, so I presume it’d be a break from where we live. My argument is, is why can’t they just do the “normal” parent thing like go away once or twice a year spaced out apart to somewhere thats more exciting and worth while, not just in enjoyment but also financially, rather than for three separate weeks in a very close period to a place in the middle of nowhere, why would you pay to drive to somewhere to stay in what feels like a claustrophobic nightmare and do barely anything different in comparison to what you’d do on a daily basis. The only difference between that said holiday and the daily routine, is that during that week you’d be away, you wouldn’t be taking time out to drive myself back and forth from practise and you wouldn’t be working, but nothing else changes, you might as well save yourself the cost of what the place charges you for your caravan’s keep and fuel, and just take a week off and have a holiday at home, and if it’s the change of scenery you’re after, then that can be sorted quite easily as I’d happily buy you a canvas or two, paint a few scenic pictures and stick them to your windows if thats the only real reason you go for.

I know some people would love to spend weekends and weeks on holidays and have that opportunity, but if you’re going to do such a thing, at least have the curtsy to make it enjoyable for all parties involved; I remember as a kid we used to go places I’d love and would be happy attending forever, but I never had a choice in the matter because I was a child, and now even as an adult we’re still going to the very same place I’ve stated I’ve disliked now for what would be the eleventh or twelve year, what ever happened to change being a good thing, or is it that change is only a good thing when the change suits you; especially as when now if I’m not having any choice as to attend, because you’re disregarding my mental incapacity and struggle to be independant and just making the decision yourselves as I swear parents like to do, or going on the vulnerable one I made at a recent point of crisis, I’m then having to drop my home commitments to then miss out on the things that I enjoy and thrive in doing, like attending the gym, my gymnastics and trampolining classes, which also means I’m missing out financially too, not to mention you’d be also let me remind you, and all for the sake of living in an enclosed space with yourself for a period of several days, making myself what some could even call depressed because there’s nothing for myself to be doing, yet you must somehow be okay with that, having your child be deeply unhappy and dislike you massively, because clearly it’s only what suits you here that matters evidently; guess compromising or meeting someone half way doesn’t exist anymore. Though saying that, even with meeting myself in the middle, it wouldn’t be vouched upon by many, or be the best solution either, because what happens? It would just make myself appear as selfish and cause more aggravation and uproar because the only other option is if it’d be that my sister would drop her plans and her normality of life, in order to fulfil the normality of mine and keep my routine at bay, and that shouldn’t be the way things work either, especially as she has two kids and a full time job. Not to add that within this said holiday there’s no decent wifi down this said place, which other than sport and sleep is what I probably spend most of my day on when not filming or editing videos, there’s nothing of entertainment value for my age range, no food restaurants or supermarkets near by that caters for my nutritional needs, I’m not spending a week eating crap when I actually value my appearance, body and health, it’s just not happening and shouldn’t be forced or expected upon myself either, if that’s what your fine with doing and you like to do, that’s fine, but you can’t expect myself to just jump right in and be cool with it.

All I’d like here is if a holiday is what you’d like, is to attend somewhere with a higher enjoyment factor, something that’d be as for filling to myself as it’d be to you, maybe I wouldn’t mind altering my routine or losing some money if that’d be the case, hence why I’m looking forward to the holiday that’s been prebooked for the last few months, but you won’t even consider anywhere else and shoot me down at first chance, god only knows why I’m always saying no before thinking things through when the situations the other way round, but at least now perhaps you’ll understand and won’t expect any different when that time comes around. If wanting to go somewhere different or wanting to enjoy myself is apparently being selfish, then so be it, but I’m not apologising for wanting to be happy, because it’s something everyone deserves to be.

Wrong Route

Shouting, threatening, drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, they aren’t going to solve your problems, in fact, they could all alternatively just make your problems grow worse. Do you think a person’s going to listen to a drunk person, or someone who’s high, someone who’s yelling at them, or sending them abusive messages, what impact or affect do you think that’s actually going to have on the person on the receiving end? Sometimes you just need to leave what needs be and accept that sometimes, people aren’t going to conform to what you want or think’s best.

Why do some people choose to follow the wrong road, to allow themselves to hang with the wrong crowd, do they think it’ll suddenly guarantee them a higher popularity status, do they think it’s hilarious to destroy their own and their family’s lives, to disappoint and disrespect not just others but themselves. Do they think it’ll get them further than what they may have done so before they chose to follow the wrong route. Enough of the excuses, there are plenty of people that don’t have the greatest of backgrounds, have grew up with not everything handed to them on a plate, have lived without a parent, watched a loved one die and so forth, everybody goes through something no matter how big or small, not that theres need to compare, and yet some chose to use that as a reason to fund their habit, their addiction, and it’s just not good enough.

The government allows things like alcohol and cigarettes to be sold openly in local shops and supermarkets, but still statement that such things can kill if not used in the correct way and mishandled, if there’s even that slightest bit of risk that a product can harm then why is it even allowed to be sold to the customer in first instance? There should be more than just an age restriction in place, and neither are cigarettes and alcohol essential, they don’t help you get through life, even though I’m sure addicts would say otherwise; they’re sold so the government can make extra money on the side and there’s warning’s labled so that if a person does abuse the product, there backs are covered; F.I.Y, I’ve rarely consumed alcohol in my lifetime and the quantity I’ve consumed is limited, I’ve also never touched a cigarette and never will, my body has enough problems without risking my health further.

Some may read this and think i’m being harsh, judgmental, yet I’d just call it being blunt and brutally honest. When people go on Jeremy Kyle for instance and plead help because they can’t stop drinking or taking drugs independently, at that point I’ve always thought, “but then why did you start, surely you knew this is what it’d one day commend to?”. Surely that person has some knowledge of the effects that whatever it is their consuming can do to a person and those said around them, surely they’ve witnessed or herd of how it affects the body both physically and mentally, and yet they still made the choice to risk all or what little they originally had, to follow down this route; what ever happened to just helping yourself? There’s more to life than downing, injecting or inhaling such concoctions, or at least so I’d thought.

Funding your own habit is one thing, but it’s how you fund it that’s the question. I’ve spoken on what my opinions are on claiming benefits, and this intertwines with that. Some people claim benefits because they can’t work, struggle in life, but yet why might that be for some? Perhaps it’s because you’ve damaged your health, whether it’d be on an emotional and psychological level, or whether it’d be physical, because of the decision you once or are even still making to abuse the above said substance(s). It’s ridiculous that it’s allowed, and of course once the damage is done it can be merely impossible or extremely difficult to reverse depending on a multitude of factors, but even so, claiming benefits for these said reasons are why those that don’t claim and are employed, hate or look down on people life myself even more, because of people that do these said things and play the system so to speak; theres no reason or excuse that’ll ever be solidified enough to back a person’s reasoning for taking such substances that either don’t need to be taken or are taken in the wrong way.

Working Class

When you live a life where you’re encountering problem after problem, when you have to deal with being chronically in pain, when you’re running back and forth from hospitals, doctor appointments, losing control of your body to sporadic seizures, have digestive issues, are waking up almost daily to headaches and battling with a constant fatigue, try functioning efficiently throughout the day and let me know how you get on.

My quality of life probably isn’t what it should be perhaps, and sure I may well be unemployed, something that may be offensive to hear from those that work, but put yourself in my position, do you actually think you’d be capable or even functional to work competently, in an environment safe enough without placing yourself or others around you at risk with those and more issues that I’ve listed above, and before you even begin to say they’re excuses, don’t even bother because they’re not, they’re valid reasons and theres a clear and defined difference between being apathetic and just not being adequate.

I’m not afraid to say that I claim benefits, and I’ve spoken on the matter before, I understand fully why those who are employed, contribute finances through taxes etc. are annoyed of those who don’t pull their weight, but that doesn’t mean they should register every unemployed person who’s eligible to work as part of their annoyance, some people like myself are genuinely unable to do so, physically, mentally or even both.

What irritates myself however, is those that are supposed to be understanding, or who at least, who you’d thought would be understanding, happily pointing out to others and even yourself, like some sort of obvious reminder, that they pay their way through life through finances they’ve earned through hard graft and labour, and that myself and other’s supposedly sit around and do nothing but still yet receive a substantial amount and accept willingly, fortunately that’s so incredibly far from the truth you probably wouldn’t even believe it. The initial process of claiming for a benefit is for one, hard work in itself, and not all claimants are lucky enough to be accepted to receive such said amount if any, not that, you’d probably have any sympathy towards that going on your cynical judgment’s stated already towards the non working; to even be in a remote chance of being accepted you actually need quite a lot of written detail, significant paper work and evidence in fact to even apply in the first instance from both you and a medical professional, so before ignorance takes hold, please show some curtesy and consideration to those that do claim for the appropriate reasons and not because of pure laziness and lack of motivation.

Also to add that those of us who are physically able, don’t necessarily all spend the day sitting on our backsides doing nothing either, just because we may not work, doesn’t mean our life’s suddenly becomes any less stressful or easier to deal with. On days where I’m able to, for short periods of where I’m able to focus, I’ll work on projects such as, short animation clips, editing and filming videos, creating digital graphic work, researching nutrition and health, exercising, I’m doing something even if it’s small.

If you act the way you do because you know somebody who receives benefits but is physically and mentally able to function just as plenty of others in this world are, then thats all well and said, but don’t have the same attitude to everybody else in the same boat, because not every background story for every person is the same, not everybody plays the system, some people like myself are genuine claimants and can’t or would find extreme difficulties in working or finding employment.

I’m not going to share all my personal struggles, conditions, situation, because I shouldn’t have to disclose that kind of information to the public in hoping they’d then  accept why I and others do what we do, I’ve said all that’s needed to be said on the matter, and I’m sure they’re will be people that will feel somewhat offended by what I’ve wrote or have an opinion or just disagree entirely with what I’ve scribed, but even so, with this kind of discretionary between the employed and unemployed, this kind of thing will be repeating itself for forever more; people need to be more open at the end of the day to that not everybody choses not to work, but that they perhaps just can’t or find extreme difficulty in doing so, and lets face it, to put it bluntly just as it’s your choice to work, it’s also those that abuse the system to not, and they’re the ones that you need to be irritated by.

Seperation Sucks

I’m never going to move on, that’s not just through choice, but through possibility, I’ll cling on to what I had because I refuse to let something I love go, even if I’m hurting myself whilst doing so. Some may think that’s stupid or selfish, that I’m doing more harm than good, but why should I leave something behind when it never had too or should of ended to begin with? I’m not sure how other’s in particular aren’t somewhat ashamed of there selves and there doings, this whole thing, it’s childish and has remained in presence for far to long. If i’m not at fault, then why should I be receiving this kind of treatment, why am I being repeatedly pushed out or ignored, you say that it’s difficult, but in reality it’s only you whose making it that way, because it could be far more easier than you think if you were to just give me a chance. I’m not sure if your social media posts are some kind of subliminal message for myself to take note of, of whose clearly your family or whose your favourite sister, but it’s clear I’m not apart of your circle and that beyond pains me. The efforts I’ve expelled in order to keep and gain any kind of contact is more than enough, yet where’s the returned balance of that, there isn’t any, and when there is it’s exceptionally limited; just being busy doesn’t always cut it when you have time for what feels and seems like everybody else, but myself. If I’m truly a reminder of your past or someone you dislike, as some have told me, how can that be so, when really you just have to look at your reflection, your appearance, not to mention DNA says it all, you can’t run or hide from that no matter how much you want too, I’m apart of you as much as you’re apart of me, you can’t just block me like I never existed and my presence isn’t or wasn’t ever accounted for, how wrong or even cruel is that, where’s your conscience in such a decision, or would that be stupid of myself to ask? I’m not bothered by what went on, bringing the past back in to the present isn’t going to solve anything clearly, all I’d like is to be able to re-kindle a relationship that I once had and build on that. I’m an adult now, if the problem you have is with the rest, then exclude them and at least concentrate on me, make me your only factor in this, that may sound extremely selfish of myself to say, but if you’re telling me that I’ve personally done nothing wrong and aren’t to blame for what’s happened, whatever did happen, then why’s it so damn difficult to at least maintain some sort of contact and relationship with me? Sounds dramatic, but my life literally hasn’t been anywhere near the same since you left, at first I didn’t quite realise or grasp the extent of what had happened, I was too young, but as I grew and time passed, my mind continuously’d flooded and overloaded with questions and with each day longer separated, I’ve continued to repeatedly miss you more and more. Some don’t understand why I can’t just walk away and move on, some don’t get why I still care am still trying or still even love you or’d want you to be apart of my life; I wasn’t the reason things happened like they have, I never wanted you to disappear, if I’d of known things were going to turn out this way and was aware at the time of what was going on, I’d of fought as much as I’ve been doing so these past few years, to of kept you in my life then; though I’m beginning to conclude from what’s current, that any effort I’d of made then in comparison to all the effort now, I’d still get nowhere because I’m still struggling to get you both to meet me anywhere near to the middle. Why should or does it have to be me that always makes the first approach, why should I always be the person that sends the first message? I’ve had that treatment from enough passers by, the only time I’m contacted by most is if I’m wanted for something and I’m fed up of constantly being used, I’m not an accessory, in fact for the sole purpose of writing this I’m supposed to be your family, your younger half sister, and I can only apologise for the half of me that is related to you having been created by the one person you seem somewhat to dislike most, but he helped in creating you both remember too, without him, you’d be completely different people and maybe not even have the pleasure of existing. The saddest part of all of this though, is that although you can build a wall ten feet high, pretending or living as if half of who you are doesn’t or never even existed, with your own separate family’s, it still does, and whilst you may be hurting or angered through whatever reason(s) inside, at the same time you’re inflicting and doing the exact same to others, myself, but the message of which I’m trying to portray through this, is that unlike you who somehow finds the strength out of nowhere to continue to blank me with already telling me that I’m not to account for this madness, whenever you need or chose to know me again and include me in your life, seems from my side you’ve never stopped being included in mine, because I’ve never not once stopped acknowledging you as my two older half sisters, I’ll be there, not just because I care, but that’s what family’s do, they forgive, they accept and most importantly through thick and thin find a way move forward, after all, you only live once and as dramatic as that may sound, though true, I’d hate to be laid to rest without you ever being in my life again.

Hurting Deeply

Sometimes it’s hard to refrain from crying, especially when you’re not even sure what dispersed your tears in the first place; is it sad that I’m so used now to people either not caring, or just pretending they do so they can sit back to watch you struggle front row, that I’m not even sure if I could care myself anymore? Drowning myself in alcohol doesn’t wash away the pain, it doesn’t take away what I feel when I actually take a minute to sit down and engage with my emotions, in fact, my health takes that opportunity away from me anyway, obviously I could neglect that and drink anyway, but there’s always the sensible part of myself that makes myself see clarity in even the darkest hours, even just after one bottle; I both loathe and thank that side of myself at the same time.

My whole life I’ve felt like a burden, more so the last few years in comparison to previous, I’ve been through some difficult times like most, I’ve witnessed people walk out my life, acting as if they were never apart of it to begin with, people I only wish everyday would return even after all that’s been said and done; it angers me to think that I’ve personally said or’ve done nothing wrong, least from what I know or’ve been told anyhow, yet because genetically I’m as involved clearly as much as anybody else, I’ve to of been given the same treatment; seventeen years I spent getting physically and mentally bullied, teased and targeted, either because of my weight or persona, left out and un-included in activities, made to feel less of a person than what I was and am, yet now I’m receiving that exact same treatment from my own blood, least that’s how it feels, and it hurts. Few of who I’ve told tell me pretty much the same few things, advice such as to move forward, or to see it from the other person’s perspective, that perhaps I’m possibly a reminder of those they dislike, and so thats why they act in the manner of which they chose to do so, eliminating myself from their life because of the pain my presence can or could bring; never realised that ignoring someone who you’ve spent a good part of your life surrounded with, loved, and whose biologically apart of you, could be so easy, then again, perhaps it isn’t.

From the second I’d started engaging with my emotions at around fourteen years old, a million questions flooded my mind about the times I speak of above, what I’d describe as my world splitting in two, falling apart. For the first two years of it all, I’d never questioned what went on, the happenings of it all, most of that probably being that I was likely to young to understand the feud that was ongoing in the background, amongst the slowly and gradually increasing infrequent visits and the latent calls and communication in general; unable to piece together the obvious, should of seen it coming. Majority of the time for most, I’ve kept or keep the way I feel or have ever felt under my belt, mostly because those who I’ve told don’t quite get it, don’t quite understand the situation and are far to quick to judge on what I should do, giving very little empathy, sympathy in general. How would you feel having all your family together one minute, then unknowingly, torn in two the next? Imagine losing someone you really genuinely love with all your heart, but with the difference being that, you’ve not just lost one person, you’ve lost multiple, and whilst they may well still be living, they’ve removed themselves from your life and have created their own separate lives, away from yours with no or very little contact in comparison to what there once was, can you imagine how painful and how difficult that is to just accept and move on from? Getting some to grasp that can be unimaginably tough, hence why as time’s gone on I speak less of the situation than I once may of, suppose sometimes it’s just easier to sit in silence than to ask for anybody else’s help with the matter, not that there’s much that can be done by anybody else to help this situation anyway, they can’t be forced into being in contact with me, and I don’t think if they were to be it’d go down too well anyway. Of course, I’m not gonna say that being in contact, seeing each other, if it were to ever happen that is, would be easy, because if it were easy then I’d of imagined doing it wouldn’t be perhaps as much of an issue as to what it probably is, maybe it would’ve already of been done by now if I were being extra hopeful; obstacles are put in place for a reason, for people to push through, not walk away from, so why are you walking away from this one?

The only thing I can think of now, is that realistically one day if it isn’t myself dead, it’ll be one of you, and what, that’d last memory I’d have is of being eleven, being taken to the cinema and McDonalds, or portraying the role of Santa Claus delivering Christmas presents to the boys once a year on a quick five minute visit; am I even allowed or welcomed to visit you and pay respects at your funeral, that’s if I don’t die first; I’m sorry that I’m quite possibly a reminder of the people you hate, but if I wasn’t related to those that you hate, we wouldn’t even be related in the first place, or is that what you’d prefer, for myself not to be your little half sister, suppose it feel’s that way from the way I see things; honestly couldn’t even care what’s gone on anymore, after several years of trying, reaching out and questioning things, it gets tiring; no matter what anybody says, there’s always going to be apart of me who thinks this whole doing is my fault, doesn’t matter what any of you tell me otherwise, all I crave though is to be apart of you’re life again, instead of feeling like someone who’s always sitting in the middle between two side’s I love and care so much about.

I’m exhausted of sharing my views, I’m tired of trying to get your attention in any form possible, I’ve called out in every way I can think of and am receiving very little on the back end of it all, yet whilst most are asking me as to why I’m continuing to try, watching me fall, and believe me sometimes I wonder why I still do and am, there will always be a part of myself that can only hope and believe if I try for long enough, eventually I’ll get somewhat the result I’m looking for, to be included, to feel loved again by those I’ve never once stopped loving, to be apart of something that for so long now has been lost. Amongst the hurt, the awkwardness, the difficulty, I’ll always love you both more than you could ever imagine, please remember that, it’s a rarity for myself to tell anybody such a thing, but whether you feel the same way, that’s your decision. Love your now not so little, half sister Bethany.

Life’s Whirlwind

The people who I think know me, know as little about me as nearly the rest of this world; truth is, I don’t really know myself either, my life and the person I am is just as much of a discovery as it is to anybody else, and I only fear that, that’s exactly how it’s going to be until the day I die, whenever that is; I’m like a closed book.

Death scares me, it’s the biggest fear I have, unlike every other fear it’s one that’s inevitable, one that everybody has to face and a fear that happens to us all, some more knowingly or suddenly than others. Fear is something that holds you back, fear is an emotion unlike any other, the hardest to overcome or override, fear isn’t something that can be processed like other feelings, and to some, it can be the most dangerous emotion of them all; fear can make a person become powerless, feel weak, trapped, without facing fear we just keep on running until we can run no more, and then what happens?

You should never fight or block an emotion(s), negative or positive, the best thing you can do is process them, no matter how hard they are to do so, you feel things for a reason, compassion, excitement, sadness, happiness, how you feel is your brain reacting to what it’s seeing, to what you’re thinking, to what’s happening or has happened, it’s how you communicate with the world, it’s a way of letting yourself and other’s know what’s working and what isn’t. Keeping emotions balanced however, is probably the most trickiest thing to master, at least, for myself by any means; when you’re amongst the Autistic Spectrum, at least from how I’ve always known it, emotions are never really balanced, you feel so many things at once that to some extent you feel nothing at all, you block feelings out because your brain, the emotional part anyway, becomes so overwhelmed with everything it’s being fed, that it just shutdown’s because it’s processing speed in comparison to a Neurotypical’s brain, works at a slower rate and can’t keep up to the speed at which it’s should, not to mention, we have a tendency of overthinking things to extremities, which is why I’ve been trying to teach myself the art of not taking things as seriously as I once may have done so.

For eight years I was stuck in the rut of thinking everything was my fault, I’d constantly overanalyse and evaluate things from my past and present, I’d even contemplate about the future, another fear and something I have trouble even now looking towards; I was overthinking, allowing my emotions to take hold of myself rather than myself taking hold of them, and yet after all those years of feeling everything, in just two days something changed and I started to feel nothing at all. At first it felt kind of weird, I couldn’t even feel when I wanted too, when I tried, it’s like I had been stripped bare away from everything that I had once knew; everything from my past now almost seems like a complete blur, as each day passes the memories fade to what feel more like dreams, as if from that point, where I changed, where everything changed, I’d disconnected, disassociated myself from the world almost as if it was some kind of unconscious backup plan to help myself overcome, override, everything that had and was happening inside my mind. Whilst all of that was taking place and still is to be honest, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder F60.3); BPD is a condition in which a person’s emotions are unstable and intensified to varied degrees, you could be happy one minute and within seconds, you could be crying into a pillow, you’re almost like a dormant volcano awaiting to erupt, and it comes without warning that’s for sure, that in itself frustrates me enough, because the one of the things I dislike in life most is when things are unpredictable and never really certain. Unlike some sufferers, I chose not to have any kind of therapy, counselling or medication, although I did try an antipsychotic called Quetiapine on a very low dose for two weeks, though all it really did was help me sleep if anything, and that was only 50% of the time at that, plus I just find that there’s more solutions out there than just going with the easiest sometimes, medicine; I’ve always been very stubborn, I’ll admit if needs be that I have this condition whilst at the same time, still try to tell other’s that it’s “gone away”, it’s not that I’m worried of being judged by others, or afraid of the stigma that surrounds mental health, it’s just that on the better days, like today for instance, I just don’t feel it I have either. Although readmission happens, and there has been a small number of moments, whether it’s just minutes or days, where I’ve felt close to what I once remembered feeling, I seem to get over them much sooner and with less effect on others than I once ever had, sometimes I wonder why or how that is, but it’s almost like there’s a light switch imbedded in my mind, sometimes I’ll change moods and switch back as nearly as soon as I switched over to begin with, and other times it takes a little longer, but the extremely of it is never like it once used to be, or at least hasn’t been so for over a year now, and maybe thats because I’ve never truly managed to re-connect myself with my emotions again; so many questions.

If you’re having a hard time processing or just dealing with emotions in general, and you’re like myself who doesn’t really deal with them at all because it’s all too much, or if you’re having a bad day, then tips I can provide is to write them out, trust me when I say that it actually works, before I started writing this, I was thinking about everything that had happened recently and not so recently, even things that could happen, may happen, it didn’t matter about there probability scale or there likeliness of happening or not happening, I was still overthinking them through my mind, which is why I wrote this, sometimes getting it out your system and even reading it back to yourself, helps. Other things I’d advise is perhaps making the hard and even the happy times in you’re life, into pieces of music, make your emotions and feelings into something constructive, even an art piece could do the trick. Or for the activists, try exercising, exercising helps release endorphins which naturally make’s you happier, not to mention is also a great use of distraction if you’re like me and just sometimes need a break, from thinking about whatever it is that’s playing on your mind, not saying that you should avoid the problem always, but sometimes if that’s the only solution you can come up with, then it’s better than nothing, and often I’ve found that you just come out with a calmer mind because of it to the point that the problem isn’t there anymore anyway, so not only are you being active and helping your physical state, but your helping your mental state too; remember, dwelling on a problem is going to solve it, because problems don’t sort themselves out, you do, that’s your job.

Because of the way I process emotions and feelings, it can come across to some that I lack compassion, sympathy and empathy, it’s not that I don’t feel as I’ve already stated, but I just feel and process emotions differently, as I’ve also said; I can’t fault myself for the way I was born, for the way my brain was wired. It doesn’t mean I can’t sympathise, empathise or be compassionate, but it’s just that I’d rather be sympathetic, empathetic or compassionate about things that’s actually worth being sympathetic, empathetic or compassionate over, and to different people, that’s different things; I need to be able to relate in some way to be able to feel those types of things and for the majority, humans and what goes on outside my world, I just don’t feel or am able to make that connection, unlike with animals, I do. That’s not because I’m secretly an animal, that’d be ridiculous, but it’s because animals are loyal, more so to say than most humans I’ve come across and known, they’re not distrusting, they’re not judgmental, they’re any person’s best friend, especially dogs, I love dogs, they’re probably on the top list of my favourite animal alongside many others. So if I appear to have the wrong type of humour, say the wrong thing without thinking through, or just don’t seem to feel in the same manner of which you do towards things, don’t necessarily fault me for the way that I am, when really it can’t be helped because it was how I was born.

Everything that happens in your lifetime sculpts you to be the person that you become, it creates your personality; genetics, the people who you surround yourself with, environment, they create the person that you present yourself to be; of course however it’s your decision in how you chose to act, whether you let life events effect you in a negative or positive way; whatever colour, race, size, religion you are, it doesn’t matter, to some extent we are all the same as individual as we are, because actually, we are all human’s at the end of the day, unless you know something I don’t, and sometimes it’s okay to have a bad day, sometimes it’s okay to get angry, we all travel along an emotional rollercoaster at some point in our lives, but certainly and most importantly it’s okay to feel, and it’s most definitely okay to be you.

For now this is who I am, when the worst happens unfortunately like most do, I’ll avoid or change topic because like most, or at least I’d like to think most, I long and yearn for people who are around myself to be happy, not to mention a life that’s somewhat peaceful and quiet. I don’t entail to live in a world of drama, or anger people, I just live for the simplicity, even though in this society that can be rather hard to receive which is why then the tragedies happen, and they unfortunately do, I tend to opt out and crawl back into a world of my own, the safest and most secure place I know.

Kidding Yourself

It infuriates me only so deeply when somebody attempts to convince themselves they’re something they’re not, and not only themselves but the public too, people they know and people they don’t, including professionals. In reality I probably shouldn’t take any notice and shouldn’t retaliate neither, and yet subtly I can’t help but snivel anger and loathe the person that’s only lying about something thats far to close to home. Autism; a diagnosis at which I was given at 7 years of age, a diagnosis which is chronic in the sense it’ll never be cured and is permanently set, embedded in my mind and body, personally I never want it to be rid from my mental or physical state anyway, it’s apart of my personality, it’s all I’ve ever known. I feel like people with AS, truly have a sick sense for when it comes to noticing others with AS or similar diagnosis, you know when diagnosis speaks truth and when it’s a lie or symptoms, traits are being mimicked. As much as it makes me feel special, unique, and gives me many talents or gifts to unfold and entail, it still comes with a lot of difficulties I’ve had too and am still learning to overcome daily, why anyone would want to have those difficulties or be apart of something that at times can be so hard to deal with, I can’t quite understand; when a person searches thoroughly and obsesses over mental health conditions or learning disabilities in order to obtain a diagnosis, at which they only know about through knowledge of research, rather than because they actually have the condition itself, or even to obtain financial benefits, is merely wrong, the fact that they even managed to convince themselves or even others to go through the diagnostic process in the first instance, or actually have a desire themselves to want the condition, is a clear sign that there’s something bigger going on, more so mentally than anything else; ever herd of Munchausen’s Syndrome? This person I speak about doesn’t have Autism, not even close, they’re sociable, inattentive, talkative, can wash, cook, move around outside and inside unaided and independently, travels alone and aren’t necessarily the cleverest of people (it’s known generally that those on the higher end of the spectrum are known for being rather intelligent individuals), they don’t have any particular obsessions or interests, they’re not typically organised, they don’t nor have ever experienced meltdowns, a need for routine, and there interest of the subject only seemed to of started once they learnt about the condition through myself a few years ago, not mention that’s when they also began filing through tests on the topic and related conditions. If I felt the diagnosis was a true and meaningful one, of course I’d be the first to accept having the condition myself, but I only know that it’s mimicked and just a text book presentation, a facade, I know that person all to well, they constantly seek for something to be wrong, it’s just not normal, standard behaviour, I’m only curious now as to what the next problem will be. Probably some reading this will question why I’ve bothered, when the behaviour that person shows is so repetitive and so far unchangeable, others would wonder if I’m not envious or jealous, whilst some will just simply agree; why should they be allowed to pass through the system so easily and with limited effort, when others who actually do actually have the condition and are trying to get a diagnosis struggle? The system is flawed, especially when they’ve now got kicked out of there house in order to obtain a place of their own; that shouldn’t be how it works and yet it is; none of it’s genuine. Anybody can look online at symptoms of ODD, ADHD, ASD etc. and act the traits out to both non professionals and professionals in order to obtain a diagnosis, it’s honestly not that hard so to speak, or not that I’d imagine, which is why it’s more important than ever for a person to get diagnosed as soon as the symptoms develop or show, Autistic traits classically are presented from birth or a young age typically, and if the concern is their from any parent, family member etc. then action should be taken almost immediately in order to benefit the child and their development, not when you’re in the beginning’s of adulthood and are just sitting aimlessly, lazily, wining over the littlest of things when they’re not going your way like a child who’s being purely un-co-operative, this may all sound a little harsh, even insulting to a degree, but with a subject taken out of a context, one that’s being used as a lable wrongly, where it’s so personal to myself, I only felt that everything I’ve said, needed to be done so and whether they come across this post or not, I honestly couldn’t care because I’m just speaking the truth and it’s what I feel, it’s the main reason to why I ever stopped having anything to do with them and until they come to terms and stop living in denial, open their eyes and start living in the real world, that there’s literally nothing wrong with them and stops making excuses for why they say or do things, then any relationship I ever had with them, won’t ever be reprimanded or taken back; their just kidding themselves.