The people who I think know me, know as little about me as nearly the rest of this world; truth is, I don’t really know myself either, my life and the person I am is just as much of a discovery as it is to anybody else, and I only fear that, that’s exactly how it’s going to be until the day I die, whenever that is; I’m like a closed book.
Death scares me, it’s the biggest fear I have, unlike every other fear it’s one that’s inevitable, one that everybody has to face and a fear that happens to us all, some more knowingly or suddenly than others. Fear is something that holds you back, fear is an emotion unlike any other, the hardest to overcome or override, fear isn’t something that can be processed like other feelings, and to some, it can be the most dangerous emotion of them all; fear can make a person become powerless, feel weak, trapped, without facing fear we just keep on running until we can run no more, and then what happens?
You should never fight or block an emotion(s), negative or positive, the best thing you can do is process them, no matter how hard they are to do so, you feel things for a reason, compassion, excitement, sadness, happiness, how you feel is your brain reacting to what it’s seeing, to what you’re thinking, to what’s happening or has happened, it’s how you communicate with the world, it’s a way of letting yourself and other’s know what’s working and what isn’t. Keeping emotions balanced however, is probably the most trickiest thing to master, at least, for myself by any means; when you’re amongst the Autistic Spectrum, at least from how I’ve always known it, emotions are never really balanced, you feel so many things at once that to some extent you feel nothing at all, you block feelings out because your brain, the emotional part anyway, becomes so overwhelmed with everything it’s being fed, that it just shutdown’s because it’s processing speed in comparison to a Neurotypical’s brain, works at a slower rate and can’t keep up to the speed at which it’s should, not to mention, we have a tendency of overthinking things to extremities, which is why I’ve been trying to teach myself the art of not taking things as seriously as I once may have done so.
For eight years I was stuck in the rut of thinking everything was my fault, I’d constantly overanalyse and evaluate things from my past and present, I’d even contemplate about the future, another fear and something I have trouble even now looking towards; I was overthinking, allowing my emotions to take hold of myself rather than myself taking hold of them, and yet after all those years of feeling everything, in just two days something changed and I started to feel nothing at all. At first it felt kind of weird, I couldn’t even feel when I wanted too, when I tried, it’s like I had been stripped bare away from everything that I had once knew; everything from my past now almost seems like a complete blur, as each day passes the memories fade to what feel more like dreams, as if from that point, where I changed, where everything changed, I’d disconnected, disassociated myself from the world almost as if it was some kind of unconscious backup plan to help myself overcome, override, everything that had and was happening inside my mind. Whilst all of that was taking place and still is to be honest, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder F60.3); BPD is a condition in which a person’s emotions are unstable and intensified to varied degrees, you could be happy one minute and within seconds, you could be crying into a pillow, you’re almost like a dormant volcano awaiting to erupt, and it comes without warning that’s for sure, that in itself frustrates me enough, because the one of the things I dislike in life most is when things are unpredictable and never really certain. Unlike some sufferers, I chose not to have any kind of therapy, counselling or medication, although I did try an antipsychotic called Quetiapine on a very low dose for two weeks, though all it really did was help me sleep if anything, and that was only 50% of the time at that, plus I just find that there’s more solutions out there than just going with the easiest sometimes, medicine; I’ve always been very stubborn, I’ll admit if needs be that I have this condition whilst at the same time, still try to tell other’s that it’s “gone away”, it’s not that I’m worried of being judged by others, or afraid of the stigma that surrounds mental health, it’s just that on the better days, like today for instance, I just don’t feel it I have either. Although readmission happens, and there has been a small number of moments, whether it’s just minutes or days, where I’ve felt close to what I once remembered feeling, I seem to get over them much sooner and with less effect on others than I once ever had, sometimes I wonder why or how that is, but it’s almost like there’s a light switch imbedded in my mind, sometimes I’ll change moods and switch back as nearly as soon as I switched over to begin with, and other times it takes a little longer, but the extremely of it is never like it once used to be, or at least hasn’t been so for over a year now, and maybe thats because I’ve never truly managed to re-connect myself with my emotions again; so many questions.
If you’re having a hard time processing or just dealing with emotions in general, and you’re like myself who doesn’t really deal with them at all because it’s all too much, or if you’re having a bad day, then tips I can provide is to write them out, trust me when I say that it actually works, before I started writing this, I was thinking about everything that had happened recently and not so recently, even things that could happen, may happen, it didn’t matter about there probability scale or there likeliness of happening or not happening, I was still overthinking them through my mind, which is why I wrote this, sometimes getting it out your system and even reading it back to yourself, helps. Other things I’d advise is perhaps making the hard and even the happy times in you’re life, into pieces of music, make your emotions and feelings into something constructive, even an art piece could do the trick. Or for the activists, try exercising, exercising helps release endorphins which naturally make’s you happier, not to mention is also a great use of distraction if you’re like me and just sometimes need a break, from thinking about whatever it is that’s playing on your mind, not saying that you should avoid the problem always, but sometimes if that’s the only solution you can come up with, then it’s better than nothing, and often I’ve found that you just come out with a calmer mind because of it to the point that the problem isn’t there anymore anyway, so not only are you being active and helping your physical state, but your helping your mental state too; remember, dwelling on a problem is going to solve it, because problems don’t sort themselves out, you do, that’s your job.
Because of the way I process emotions and feelings, it can come across to some that I lack compassion, sympathy and empathy, it’s not that I don’t feel as I’ve already stated, but I just feel and process emotions differently, as I’ve also said; I can’t fault myself for the way I was born, for the way my brain was wired. It doesn’t mean I can’t sympathise, empathise or be compassionate, but it’s just that I’d rather be sympathetic, empathetic or compassionate about things that’s actually worth being sympathetic, empathetic or compassionate over, and to different people, that’s different things; I need to be able to relate in some way to be able to feel those types of things and for the majority, humans and what goes on outside my world, I just don’t feel or am able to make that connection, unlike with animals, I do. That’s not because I’m secretly an animal, that’d be ridiculous, but it’s because animals are loyal, more so to say than most humans I’ve come across and known, they’re not distrusting, they’re not judgmental, they’re any person’s best friend, especially dogs, I love dogs, they’re probably on the top list of my favourite animal alongside many others. So if I appear to have the wrong type of humour, say the wrong thing without thinking through, or just don’t seem to feel in the same manner of which you do towards things, don’t necessarily fault me for the way that I am, when really it can’t be helped because it was how I was born.
Everything that happens in your lifetime sculpts you to be the person that you become, it creates your personality; genetics, the people who you surround yourself with, environment, they create the person that you present yourself to be; of course however it’s your decision in how you chose to act, whether you let life events effect you in a negative or positive way; whatever colour, race, size, religion you are, it doesn’t matter, to some extent we are all the same as individual as we are, because actually, we are all human’s at the end of the day, unless you know something I don’t, and sometimes it’s okay to have a bad day, sometimes it’s okay to get angry, we all travel along an emotional rollercoaster at some point in our lives, but certainly and most importantly it’s okay to feel, and it’s most definitely okay to be you.
For now this is who I am, when the worst happens unfortunately like most do, I’ll avoid or change topic because like most, or at least I’d like to think most, I long and yearn for people who are around myself to be happy, not to mention a life that’s somewhat peaceful and quiet. I don’t entail to live in a world of drama, or anger people, I just live for the simplicity, even though in this society that can be rather hard to receive which is why then the tragedies happen, and they unfortunately do, I tend to opt out and crawl back into a world of my own, the safest and most secure place I know.