Am I honestly not allowed to be remotely selfish from time to time? Is selfishness not allowed in the lives we were given to live, why should I always immediately and automatically feel the need to have to, due to expectation and selflessness, place others in front of myself in order to provide them happiness and to leave myself feeling somewhat miserable in that process. Life isn’t fair, and I know you can’t expect to be happy or enjoy every minute of it, even though it’s all assumed by someone, somewhere we should; there’s going to be some things that you’re going to have to compromise on or lay either side upon, but at the same time your feelings should be taken in to consideration too, you can’t live a life where you’re constantly trying to make a decision that will please someone else, to make them happy and yourself not, it’s just not mentally acceptable or healthy, on the other hand, if you make a decision that’s based on your needs and wants, you’re then instantly labelled selfish or childish and frowned upon, there’s just no win in this ideal world that we’re supposed to live in and be apart of.
Here’s a recent example. I’m having some trouble right now mentally and emotionally, yet some chose to disregard such things as being apart of difficulties in relation with mental health and assume it’s all necessarily down to fear whether it’d be rational or irrational. My parents go on “holiday”, if you can really call it that, for a “break”, now that can’t be a break from myself because myself would be with them, so I presume it’d be a break from where we live. My argument is, is why can’t they just do the “normal” parent thing like go away once or twice a year spaced out apart to somewhere thats more exciting and worth while, not just in enjoyment but also financially, rather than for three separate weeks in a very close period to a place in the middle of nowhere, why would you pay to drive to somewhere to stay in what feels like a claustrophobic nightmare and do barely anything different in comparison to what you’d do on a daily basis. The only difference between that said holiday and the daily routine, is that during that week you’d be away, you wouldn’t be taking time out to drive myself back and forth from practise and you wouldn’t be working, but nothing else changes, you might as well save yourself the cost of what the place charges you for your caravan’s keep and fuel, and just take a week off and have a holiday at home, and if it’s the change of scenery you’re after, then that can be sorted quite easily as I’d happily buy you a canvas or two, paint a few scenic pictures and stick them to your windows if thats the only real reason you go for.
I know some people would love to spend weekends and weeks on holidays and have that opportunity, but if you’re going to do such a thing, at least have the curtsy to make it enjoyable for all parties involved; I remember as a kid we used to go places I’d love and would be happy attending forever, but I never had a choice in the matter because I was a child, and now even as an adult we’re still going to the very same place I’ve stated I’ve disliked now for what would be the eleventh or twelve year, what ever happened to change being a good thing, or is it that change is only a good thing when the change suits you; especially as when now if I’m not having any choice as to attend, because you’re disregarding my mental incapacity and struggle to be independant and just making the decision yourselves as I swear parents like to do, or going on the vulnerable one I made at a recent point of crisis, I’m then having to drop my home commitments to then miss out on the things that I enjoy and thrive in doing, like attending the gym, my gymnastics and trampolining classes, which also means I’m missing out financially too, not to mention you’d be also let me remind you, and all for the sake of living in an enclosed space with yourself for a period of several days, making myself what some could even call depressed because there’s nothing for myself to be doing, yet you must somehow be okay with that, having your child be deeply unhappy and dislike you massively, because clearly it’s only what suits you here that matters evidently; guess compromising or meeting someone half way doesn’t exist anymore. Though saying that, even with meeting myself in the middle, it wouldn’t be vouched upon by many, or be the best solution either, because what happens? It would just make myself appear as selfish and cause more aggravation and uproar because the only other option is if it’d be that my sister would drop her plans and her normality of life, in order to fulfil the normality of mine and keep my routine at bay, and that shouldn’t be the way things work either, especially as she has two kids and a full time job. Not to add that within this said holiday there’s no decent wifi down this said place, which other than sport and sleep is what I probably spend most of my day on when not filming or editing videos, there’s nothing of entertainment value for my age range, no food restaurants or supermarkets near by that caters for my nutritional needs, I’m not spending a week eating crap when I actually value my appearance, body and health, it’s just not happening and shouldn’t be forced or expected upon myself either, if that’s what your fine with doing and you like to do, that’s fine, but you can’t expect myself to just jump right in and be cool with it.
All I’d like here is if a holiday is what you’d like, is to attend somewhere with a higher enjoyment factor, something that’d be as for filling to myself as it’d be to you, maybe I wouldn’t mind altering my routine or losing some money if that’d be the case, hence why I’m looking forward to the holiday that’s been prebooked for the last few months, but you won’t even consider anywhere else and shoot me down at first chance, god only knows why I’m always saying no before thinking things through when the situations the other way round, but at least now perhaps you’ll understand and won’t expect any different when that time comes around. If wanting to go somewhere different or wanting to enjoy myself is apparently being selfish, then so be it, but I’m not apologising for wanting to be happy, because it’s something everyone deserves to be.