Feeling’s of self doubt, complete worthlessness, numbness, emptiness, how do you rid yourself of such misery? Of course it all sounds so negative, because well it is. Simply telling someone it’ll get better, whether it’s the truth, an aid in hope or just because you don’t want to have to hear them wither on, telling someone that what they’re going through is nothing in comparison to your life or someone else’s, or just being so blunt that instead of helping them you make them feel worse, isn’t supporting the person nor helping them process or confront what they’re going through, in fact, it’s often at these times we’re afraid to reach out but want someone the most, a very contradicting matter in itself. When you’re alone you’re surrounded by thoughts, constant over thinking and instead of logic and reason, emotion and feelings, some of which you can process and some of which for whatever reason you can’t. When you let things bottle up inside rather than deal with them there and then, shrug them off because at the time they seem so minuscule and nothing of much importance, they overtime build to an extent that soon hits you harder than a ton of bricks; the emotional weight of the world that you’ve carried on your shoulders for so long, is something you suddenly find is a weight to heavy for you to now hold. Now you can talk about your feelings and for some that works, but for myself and I expect also others would agree, talking in itself doesn’t always necessarily help as feelings don’t all of a sudden disappear once said in clear air, therefore you need to find other means of ways to express how you feel, to relieve pressure off your chest, clear your mind; sharing your feelings with someone that can advise you on what perhaps to do however, or work through why you’re feeling as you are or discover what things you could do to change the way you feel though, is of course a different matter and such a thing if you manage it I’d advise, just seems a real shame that I rarely ever find it possible to follow my own advice, typical. Distraction is key if you wish to not let your emotional mind overrule your life I find, but at the same time I’d ask, how long is it actually good or even healthy enough for a person to remain distracted, rather than confront the issue(s) head on, plus, there’s only so much you can actually distract yourself with and when your feeling so low, is distraction even something you can be bothered to do? I question if some of us aren’t more prone to develop depression or emotions associated with such a condition, personally I’m in disbelief that I have such a thing, even when it’s been clear in my life both at current or other times that I’ve been or’ve felt depressed, but feeling depressed is different than actually having depression remember; emotions have always baffled me, I’ve never fully understood why we feel such things or have an emotional response to some things and others not, I go through waves of feeling as if I’m completely numb or in other words, emotionless, and then other periods of my life feeling a whole bundle of various emotions all at once, if only someone could live inside my head for a day and help me to figure out what the heck’s going on and what I’m supposed to do in order to gain some sort of self control as apposed to my mind ruling me; I suppose part of it is linked towards my Autism, my inability or difficulty with reading the emotional signals of a person unless made obvious, the struggle I have with often expressing myself, or the side of which my EUPD makes regulating my emotions beyond hard as their all flooding in at once whilst leaving seconds later, the anxiety I live with also probably doesn’t help either may I add. My life feels like a constant worry with so many things failing to go as planned, I hate to be a pessimist but it seems so easy when theres so little things now to be optimistic over. Both my nans are unwell, I’m going to be an aunty to a child I’ll never get to see, I’m supposed to have three sisters but yet there’s only ever one I ever see because it’s as if my existence matters pretty next to nothing for the other two, as harsh as it sounds or is to write, I have a father and a mother that put themselves before a struggling child, whom’ although is at the age of what society calls an adult, is clearly struggling to cope both physically and mentally, even if within their presence or others I’m relatively fine; I can’t drive and have to live with that until theres a day where my seizures disappear for a year or are finally controlled and diagnosed, and every year since I was 17 without fail, almost like a Christmas and Birthday present from my body, I get yet another health problem to content with, trying to push through with all that to follow is a big ask from anyone let alone someone at just the age of 22, and for people to either tell me to ignore such things, to not worry or to leave such matters behind obviously struggle to understand or show any degree of empathy towards such difficulties I live with and face. Of course everybody has their issues and we all deal with them in our own way no matter how big, or how small, I guess you could note that writing is clearly one of mine, to help others and even myself grasp some understanding and concept of why I feel the way I do, being articulate through writing comes in handy when you’re lost verbally with words, but sometimes writing isn’t enough or doesn’t do the trick and so the only other way I vent is through lashing out, normally at myself than the people that surround me, and although I’ve got little of a temper in comparison to the one I had years ago, theres only so much I’ve found you can maintain before it comes flooding out, and lord only knows the kind of scarcely damage I could do in the wrong mindset.
How am I supposed to live in any kind of normality when I’m literally a child trapped inside an adult’s body. If age wasn’t a dictation of who we are and what we’re supposed to do or be achieving would there be so much pressure or demand in trying to follow the same group of expectations that society in general places on us? Looking at my face, my sense of dress code, maturity level, not many are able to tell or even believe my real, biological age, I honesty don’t quite believe that I’m my real age too, not that, that makes much sense, but it’s true; you know that saying right? “You’re only as old as you feel?”, mentally I still feel I’m only around the age of 13/14 years 90% of the time, with 10% of the time actually acting anywhere close to my actual age, but telling me that it’s time to “grow up” or “act my age” isn’t going to help or suddenly push me todo so, it wouldn’t even happen if I tried because developmentally, I’m just not there yet, and this is the very part of Autism I hate and time I’d wish it’d just disappear for a second or two so I can see if life would be any easier without; I’m constantly fighting two sides of myself, the stubborn child side, that gets defensive when control is taken away, when pressure or demands are being asked, routine changed, and the adult part where a break from the norm wouldn’t be so bad and independence is a good thing and not something to be overwhelmed over; anxiety clearly plays a big part in my life and clearly that CBT course I’ve just completed unfortunately didn’t do it’s job with the predicament I’m now finding myself in, not that this is the first time. It doesn’t matter whether change is a good thing or not, the fact that change is happening is all that matters, everything inside myself fights against change as soon as any is happening, and fights even harder if it’s something I’m not keen on, once upon a time you were at least able to prepare myself for any alterations to my daily schedule and I’d be more inclined to play along, yet nowadays you could tell me a year in advance and as soon as I realise it’s getting closer, I’d fight back as hard as I can so it doesn’t have to happen, regardless of whether it’s something to enjoy or not, and if it’s happening and becomes out of my control with no option but to go along, I’m just miserable because I somewhat resist to the urge to let myself enjoy the process either way, it’s a never ending circle and the process itself is tiresome, but my mind reverts to being defensive time after time irrespective if part of me wants too go along with whatever’s happening or not. Some may read this and think it’s stupid that I get in such a state or act so stubbornly or resistantly to something that could be a great experience or break, some may find it hard to understand or see me as selfish when it seems as if it has to be my way and no one else’s, those people however are the people that don’t understand that this isn’t something I consciously or purposely am doing or forcing myself in to, it’s not what I want, for everything to revolve around my needs or wishes, it’s a need, and there’s the difference. Alone I become an anxious child, depressed, unmotivated, personal hygiene diminishes, because there’s no one around myself for myself to be self conscious of or to be encouraged by, and therefore there’s no reason seen to care, yes I have little respect for myself, the bullying I endured for 17 years helped with that, the same principle with cooking, because I’m just to tired to cook or find difficulty in doing so or am unmotivated with finishing the task once started, so I just snack or not eat at all and the same with even getting out of bed, I just live in fear when I’m alone, and my mind just riddles with thoughts I don’t wish to think about, not forgetting there’s always the worry of whether I’ll be able to get to and from or pursue even the usual outside activities I’d do that keeps my routine as a whole in check, and the nights where I lay awake, terrified and on edge of someone potentially breaking in because of news stories read and videos watched, things herd; the good thing about having people around and keeping with routine in check is that I’m able to remain in my bubble and feel safe, without those things, I’m a vulnerable mess. I’ve tried reviewing the pros and con’s, okay If I were to have a break for the next nine days I’d still be able to exercise just in different forms, it may be easier for myself to stick to my eating plan because food would be less accessible and limited as apposed to at home, and I’d at least have my dogs, but theres so many cons, such as missing out financially because I’d not be attending Gymnastics or Trampolining, missing out on seeing the only person I actually like talking to or being around on my favourite day of the week, Thursday, and I’d be stuck in a confined space in a place I don’t as a whole enjoy and find boring and actually rather suffocating; I’m an indecisive person as it is, but as much as I hate the place I also hate being alone and the choice of what to do is crushing me and I have less than 24 hours now to actually decide on what I’m going to spend the next 9 days doing, I’m just lost on what I’m supposed to do because either way it’s just clear that I’m just not going to be happy whatever I chose and that is the biggest frustration of it all; age is just a number and for people to think that at 22 you’re suddenly supposed to be built with the mentality and physical ability to just cope independently is wrong, not everybody lives under the whole rule of what you’re supposed to be doing at a specific age, some like myself just aren’t able to be at that level developmentally and are incapable even at times where we manage fine; we manage fine remember because we have a safety net, we’re following with routine and have people around us, as soon as that’s taken away or altered in any way, things don’t go to plan and everything we’ve learnt no longer goes to plan and gets thrown out the windows, it’s that, that a person without such difficulties or who hasn’t been nor gone through the same or similar situation needs and should at least try, to understand, its not nor ever is my intention to come across as selfish, it’s anxiety and it’s my defensive side latching on to everything I can so that normality is and remains restored and as it should.
Would a person be honestly classified as a friend if they were to insinuate you’re dumb; when you mean something, but they misinterpret that as something else, does it mean that their right, or that you are? Sometimes I think that people only see what they want to see, the same goes with hearing also, still if their truly an understanding friend like all friends are supposed to be, they’d see where you’re coming from to some extent surely, as apposed to continuing to spew their point over yours turning what was just originally a said feeling into, their words not mine, an argument, though I’d myself call it more of a dispute or a disagreement, as I certainly didn’t have any incentive in being the person that comes out being correct, whether or not I’d believe I was to be or wasn’t, nor was emotionally involved, and those two are key factors into defining whether the said conversation was either a disagreement or an argument; though I suppose in this instance it shows you a life lesson in that in your hour of need, there are those who are willing to care and lend a helping hand, whilst there are also those who are only there to do in fact the complete opposite, consciously or unconsciously.
When a person feels something, the feeling that they’re expressing isn’t necessarily arisen from anything other than itself alone. When you think about something, your mind searches for thought, you can think something differently from what you might feel, in other words you can think without feeling just as you can feel without thought, the two doesn’t necessarily intertwine. When you think, you usually have a basic principle that follows for all situations, are task orientated and follow more with your mind rather than having your heart as your guide, when you feel however it can change depending on what type of situation you’re in or who you’re with and so you follow your heart as apposed to your mind; thinking is an active process, the other is a sensation, so as a conclusion it’s pretty clear that thinking and feeling are to very different things, as apposed to meaning the same thing as one another, it may still sound a little complex so below I’ve added a couple of links to help explain further.
It funnily enough amuses myself when people want things to follow in their direction but for whatever reason, just can’t help themselves when things aren’t turning out how they’d imagine and so make you feel bad for having what was just an opinion, or in my case a feeling. You shouldn’t have to continuously explain your reasoning or yourself as a person to someone who should know you well enough to take your word and leave be. I’m a very literal and truthful person, there’s no hiding behind the lines or playing with words, both of those terms are ones I had to research, as like I said, it’s not something I do and frankly I wouldn’t know where to start even if I was too; I say things in a very black and white manner without any other meaning or intention other than what’s supposed to be imposed originally, most people with Autism do. If someone then chooses to read or hear what I write or say, interpreting that as meaning something different, then that’s all them not me, and if they then they chose to believe that I mean something else besides what I continuously state I mean repeatedly then again that’s their decision, nobody has the ability to change someones train of thought other than the person themselves, we’re not analysts, we’re humans and we’re all entitled to our own feelings and thoughts, someone tryna impose that you believe something else other than what you actually mean is someone who isn’t trying to understand or view things from your personal point of view, it’s someone who has a very one set minded view, rather than being more open minded and seeing that what you’re saying might actually have some truth behind it, as apposed to what they’re probably thinking is complete rubbish.
From here on forwards I’m not wasting my time with people who are either closed minded, aren’t understanding etc., so many people believe that they are but through so many actions now it’s clear that the multitude of people I’ve grew up with now or’ve surrounded myself around that have stated they’ve displayed or have such characteristics just aren’t, and if they believe different then I honestly think they need to have a long hard look at themselves, as I’m a pretty observant person and take note of how people act on a continuous basis; comes within Autistic territory apparently. Nobody’s perfect, but to say you do such things or have such traits when you realistically don’t isn’t helpful to anybody including yourself, and unfortunately it’s never long before it shows because a mask always falls off in time, and what hurts most in all of this, is that when you really wanted to believe that, that person was who you thought and who they told you they were really wasn’t.
The final bit of advice I have to anybody experiencing or who has experienced somewhat of what I’ve spoke about in this text, is that don’t let anybody stop you from being exactly that, yourself. Don’t allow a person to stop you from speaking your mind, if you’re having to consciously think about what to say and consider the person’s reaction all the time, then you really need to evaluate what kind of friendship you honestly have, because you shouldn’t be feeling on edge or uncomfortable with saying certain things or things in general on a constant basis, it should just be natural to say what you think and what you feel around the person without them reacting unexpectedly or abruptly; just to clarify, I haven’t wrote this to expose the said person either, nor have I hinted as supposedly who this said person could be in which I’m referring to somewhat in this post, whether or not you know or have any idea, in my posts, unless I have reason too or’ve asked permission I will never expose the person(s) I’m talking to or am referring to, music, exercise and writing are my outlets for expressing my thoughts and feelings, that is all.
Thinking And Feeling:
Am I honestly not allowed to be remotely selfish from time to time? Is selfishness not allowed in the lives we were given to live, why should I always immediately and automatically feel the need to have to, due to expectation and selflessness, place others in front of myself in order to provide them happiness and to leave myself feeling somewhat miserable in that process. Life isn’t fair, and I know you can’t expect to be happy or enjoy every minute of it, even though it’s all assumed by someone, somewhere we should; there’s going to be some things that you’re going to have to compromise on or lay either side upon, but at the same time your feelings should be taken in to consideration too, you can’t live a life where you’re constantly trying to make a decision that will please someone else, to make them happy and yourself not, it’s just not mentally acceptable or healthy, on the other hand, if you make a decision that’s based on your needs and wants, you’re then instantly labelled selfish or childish and frowned upon, there’s just no win in this ideal world that we’re supposed to live in and be apart of.
Here’s a recent example. I’m having some trouble right now mentally and emotionally, yet some chose to disregard such things as being apart of difficulties in relation with mental health and assume it’s all necessarily down to fear whether it’d be rational or irrational. My parents go on “holiday”, if you can really call it that, for a “break”, now that can’t be a break from myself because myself would be with them, so I presume it’d be a break from where we live. My argument is, is why can’t they just do the “normal” parent thing like go away once or twice a year spaced out apart to somewhere thats more exciting and worth while, not just in enjoyment but also financially, rather than for three separate weeks in a very close period to a place in the middle of nowhere, why would you pay to drive to somewhere to stay in what feels like a claustrophobic nightmare and do barely anything different in comparison to what you’d do on a daily basis. The only difference between that said holiday and the daily routine, is that during that week you’d be away, you wouldn’t be taking time out to drive myself back and forth from practise and you wouldn’t be working, but nothing else changes, you might as well save yourself the cost of what the place charges you for your caravan’s keep and fuel, and just take a week off and have a holiday at home, and if it’s the change of scenery you’re after, then that can be sorted quite easily as I’d happily buy you a canvas or two, paint a few scenic pictures and stick them to your windows if thats the only real reason you go for.
I know some people would love to spend weekends and weeks on holidays and have that opportunity, but if you’re going to do such a thing, at least have the curtsy to make it enjoyable for all parties involved; I remember as a kid we used to go places I’d love and would be happy attending forever, but I never had a choice in the matter because I was a child, and now even as an adult we’re still going to the very same place I’ve stated I’ve disliked now for what would be the eleventh or twelve year, what ever happened to change being a good thing, or is it that change is only a good thing when the change suits you; especially as when now if I’m not having any choice as to attend, because you’re disregarding my mental incapacity and struggle to be independant and just making the decision yourselves as I swear parents like to do, or going on the vulnerable one I made at a recent point of crisis, I’m then having to drop my home commitments to then miss out on the things that I enjoy and thrive in doing, like attending the gym, my gymnastics and trampolining classes, which also means I’m missing out financially too, not to mention you’d be also let me remind you, and all for the sake of living in an enclosed space with yourself for a period of several days, making myself what some could even call depressed because there’s nothing for myself to be doing, yet you must somehow be okay with that, having your child be deeply unhappy and dislike you massively, because clearly it’s only what suits you here that matters evidently; guess compromising or meeting someone half way doesn’t exist anymore. Though saying that, even with meeting myself in the middle, it wouldn’t be vouched upon by many, or be the best solution either, because what happens? It would just make myself appear as selfish and cause more aggravation and uproar because the only other option is if it’d be that my sister would drop her plans and her normality of life, in order to fulfil the normality of mine and keep my routine at bay, and that shouldn’t be the way things work either, especially as she has two kids and a full time job. Not to add that within this said holiday there’s no decent wifi down this said place, which other than sport and sleep is what I probably spend most of my day on when not filming or editing videos, there’s nothing of entertainment value for my age range, no food restaurants or supermarkets near by that caters for my nutritional needs, I’m not spending a week eating crap when I actually value my appearance, body and health, it’s just not happening and shouldn’t be forced or expected upon myself either, if that’s what your fine with doing and you like to do, that’s fine, but you can’t expect myself to just jump right in and be cool with it.
All I’d like here is if a holiday is what you’d like, is to attend somewhere with a higher enjoyment factor, something that’d be as for filling to myself as it’d be to you, maybe I wouldn’t mind altering my routine or losing some money if that’d be the case, hence why I’m looking forward to the holiday that’s been prebooked for the last few months, but you won’t even consider anywhere else and shoot me down at first chance, god only knows why I’m always saying no before thinking things through when the situations the other way round, but at least now perhaps you’ll understand and won’t expect any different when that time comes around. If wanting to go somewhere different or wanting to enjoy myself is apparently being selfish, then so be it, but I’m not apologising for wanting to be happy, because it’s something everyone deserves to be.
Shouting, threatening, drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, they aren’t going to solve your problems, in fact, they could all alternatively just make your problems grow worse. Do you think a person’s going to listen to a drunk person, or someone who’s high, someone who’s yelling at them, or sending them abusive messages, what impact or affect do you think that’s actually going to have on the person on the receiving end? Sometimes you just need to leave what needs be and accept that sometimes, people aren’t going to conform to what you want or think’s best.
Why do some people choose to follow the wrong road, to allow themselves to hang with the wrong crowd, do they think it’ll suddenly guarantee them a higher popularity status, do they think it’s hilarious to destroy their own and their family’s lives, to disappoint and disrespect not just others but themselves. Do they think it’ll get them further than what they may have done so before they chose to follow the wrong route. Enough of the excuses, there are plenty of people that don’t have the greatest of backgrounds, have grew up with not everything handed to them on a plate, have lived without a parent, watched a loved one die and so forth, everybody goes through something no matter how big or small, not that theres need to compare, and yet some chose to use that as a reason to fund their habit, their addiction, and it’s just not good enough.
The government allows things like alcohol and cigarettes to be sold openly in local shops and supermarkets, but still statement that such things can kill if not used in the correct way and mishandled, if there’s even that slightest bit of risk that a product can harm then why is it even allowed to be sold to the customer in first instance? There should be more than just an age restriction in place, and neither are cigarettes and alcohol essential, they don’t help you get through life, even though I’m sure addicts would say otherwise; they’re sold so the government can make extra money on the side and there’s warning’s labled so that if a person does abuse the product, there backs are covered; F.I.Y, I’ve rarely consumed alcohol in my lifetime and the quantity I’ve consumed is limited, I’ve also never touched a cigarette and never will, my body has enough problems without risking my health further.
Some may read this and think i’m being harsh, judgmental, yet I’d just call it being blunt and brutally honest. When people go on Jeremy Kyle for instance and plead help because they can’t stop drinking or taking drugs independently, at that point I’ve always thought, “but then why did you start, surely you knew this is what it’d one day commend to?”. Surely that person has some knowledge of the effects that whatever it is their consuming can do to a person and those said around them, surely they’ve witnessed or herd of how it affects the body both physically and mentally, and yet they still made the choice to risk all or what little they originally had, to follow down this route; what ever happened to just helping yourself? There’s more to life than downing, injecting or inhaling such concoctions, or at least so I’d thought.
Funding your own habit is one thing, but it’s how you fund it that’s the question. I’ve spoken on what my opinions are on claiming benefits, and this intertwines with that. Some people claim benefits because they can’t work, struggle in life, but yet why might that be for some? Perhaps it’s because you’ve damaged your health, whether it’d be on an emotional and psychological level, or whether it’d be physical, because of the decision you once or are even still making to abuse the above said substance(s). It’s ridiculous that it’s allowed, and of course once the damage is done it can be merely impossible or extremely difficult to reverse depending on a multitude of factors, but even so, claiming benefits for these said reasons are why those that don’t claim and are employed, hate or look down on people life myself even more, because of people that do these said things and play the system so to speak; theres no reason or excuse that’ll ever be solidified enough to back a person’s reasoning for taking such substances that either don’t need to be taken or are taken in the wrong way.
When you live a life where you’re encountering problem after problem, when you have to deal with being chronically in pain, when you’re running back and forth from hospitals, doctor appointments, losing control of your body to sporadic seizures, have digestive issues, are waking up almost daily to headaches and battling with a constant fatigue, try functioning efficiently throughout the day and let me know how you get on.
My quality of life probably isn’t what it should be perhaps, and sure I may well be unemployed, something that may be offensive to hear from those that work, but put yourself in my position, do you actually think you’d be capable or even functional to work competently, in an environment safe enough without placing yourself or others around you at risk with those and more issues that I’ve listed above, and before you even begin to say they’re excuses, don’t even bother because they’re not, they’re valid reasons and theres a clear and defined difference between being apathetic and just not being adequate.
I’m not afraid to say that I claim benefits, and I’ve spoken on the matter before, I understand fully why those who are employed, contribute finances through taxes etc. are annoyed of those who don’t pull their weight, but that doesn’t mean they should register every unemployed person who’s eligible to work as part of their annoyance, some people like myself are genuinely unable to do so, physically, mentally or even both.
What irritates myself however, is those that are supposed to be understanding, or who at least, who you’d thought would be understanding, happily pointing out to others and even yourself, like some sort of obvious reminder, that they pay their way through life through finances they’ve earned through hard graft and labour, and that myself and other’s supposedly sit around and do nothing but still yet receive a substantial amount and accept willingly, fortunately that’s so incredibly far from the truth you probably wouldn’t even believe it. The initial process of claiming for a benefit is for one, hard work in itself, and not all claimants are lucky enough to be accepted to receive such said amount if any, not that, you’d probably have any sympathy towards that going on your cynical judgment’s stated already towards the non working; to even be in a remote chance of being accepted you actually need quite a lot of written detail, significant paper work and evidence in fact to even apply in the first instance from both you and a medical professional, so before ignorance takes hold, please show some curtesy and consideration to those that do claim for the appropriate reasons and not because of pure laziness and lack of motivation.
Also to add that those of us who are physically able, don’t necessarily all spend the day sitting on our backsides doing nothing either, just because we may not work, doesn’t mean our life’s suddenly becomes any less stressful or easier to deal with. On days where I’m able to, for short periods of where I’m able to focus, I’ll work on projects such as, short animation clips, editing and filming videos, creating digital graphic work, researching nutrition and health, exercising, I’m doing something even if it’s small.
If you act the way you do because you know somebody who receives benefits but is physically and mentally able to function just as plenty of others in this world are, then thats all well and said, but don’t have the same attitude to everybody else in the same boat, because not every background story for every person is the same, not everybody plays the system, some people like myself are genuine claimants and can’t or would find extreme difficulties in working or finding employment.
I’m not going to share all my personal struggles, conditions, situation, because I shouldn’t have to disclose that kind of information to the public in hoping they’d then accept why I and others do what we do, I’ve said all that’s needed to be said on the matter, and I’m sure they’re will be people that will feel somewhat offended by what I’ve wrote or have an opinion or just disagree entirely with what I’ve scribed, but even so, with this kind of discretionary between the employed and unemployed, this kind of thing will be repeating itself for forever more; people need to be more open at the end of the day to that not everybody choses not to work, but that they perhaps just can’t or find extreme difficulty in doing so, and lets face it, to put it bluntly just as it’s your choice to work, it’s also those that abuse the system to not, and they’re the ones that you need to be irritated by.
I’m never going to move on, that’s not just through choice, but through possibility, I’ll cling on to what I had because I refuse to let something I love go, even if I’m hurting myself whilst doing so. Some may think that’s stupid or selfish, that I’m doing more harm than good, but why should I leave something behind when it never had too or should of ended to begin with? I’m not sure how other’s in particular aren’t somewhat ashamed of there selves and there doings, this whole thing, it’s childish and has remained in presence for far to long. If i’m not at fault, then why should I be receiving this kind of treatment, why am I being repeatedly pushed out or ignored, you say that it’s difficult, but in reality it’s only you whose making it that way, because it could be far more easier than you think if you were to just give me a chance. I’m not sure if your social media posts are some kind of subliminal message for myself to take note of, of whose clearly your family or whose your favourite sister, but it’s clear I’m not apart of your circle and that beyond pains me. The efforts I’ve expelled in order to keep and gain any kind of contact is more than enough, yet where’s the returned balance of that, there isn’t any, and when there is it’s exceptionally limited; just being busy doesn’t always cut it when you have time for what feels and seems like everybody else, but myself. If I’m truly a reminder of your past or someone you dislike, as some have told me, how can that be so, when really you just have to look at your reflection, your appearance, not to mention DNA says it all, you can’t run or hide from that no matter how much you want too, I’m apart of you as much as you’re apart of me, you can’t just block me like I never existed and my presence isn’t or wasn’t ever accounted for, how wrong or even cruel is that, where’s your conscience in such a decision, or would that be stupid of myself to ask? I’m not bothered by what went on, bringing the past back in to the present isn’t going to solve anything clearly, all I’d like is to be able to re-kindle a relationship that I once had and build on that. I’m an adult now, if the problem you have is with the rest, then exclude them and at least concentrate on me, make me your only factor in this, that may sound extremely selfish of myself to say, but if you’re telling me that I’ve personally done nothing wrong and aren’t to blame for what’s happened, whatever did happen, then why’s it so damn difficult to at least maintain some sort of contact and relationship with me? Sounds dramatic, but my life literally hasn’t been anywhere near the same since you left, at first I didn’t quite realise or grasp the extent of what had happened, I was too young, but as I grew and time passed, my mind continuously’d flooded and overloaded with questions and with each day longer separated, I’ve continued to repeatedly miss you more and more. Some don’t understand why I can’t just walk away and move on, some don’t get why I still care am still trying or still even love you or’d want you to be apart of my life; I wasn’t the reason things happened like they have, I never wanted you to disappear, if I’d of known things were going to turn out this way and was aware at the time of what was going on, I’d of fought as much as I’ve been doing so these past few years, to of kept you in my life then; though I’m beginning to conclude from what’s current, that any effort I’d of made then in comparison to all the effort now, I’d still get nowhere because I’m still struggling to get you both to meet me anywhere near to the middle. Why should or does it have to be me that always makes the first approach, why should I always be the person that sends the first message? I’ve had that treatment from enough passers by, the only time I’m contacted by most is if I’m wanted for something and I’m fed up of constantly being used, I’m not an accessory, in fact for the sole purpose of writing this I’m supposed to be your family, your younger half sister, and I can only apologise for the half of me that is related to you having been created by the one person you seem somewhat to dislike most, but he helped in creating you both remember too, without him, you’d be completely different people and maybe not even have the pleasure of existing. The saddest part of all of this though, is that although you can build a wall ten feet high, pretending or living as if half of who you are doesn’t or never even existed, with your own separate family’s, it still does, and whilst you may be hurting or angered through whatever reason(s) inside, at the same time you’re inflicting and doing the exact same to others, myself, but the message of which I’m trying to portray through this, is that unlike you who somehow finds the strength out of nowhere to continue to blank me with already telling me that I’m not to account for this madness, whenever you need or chose to know me again and include me in your life, seems from my side you’ve never stopped being included in mine, because I’ve never not once stopped acknowledging you as my two older half sisters, I’ll be there, not just because I care, but that’s what family’s do, they forgive, they accept and most importantly through thick and thin find a way move forward, after all, you only live once and as dramatic as that may sound, though true, I’d hate to be laid to rest without you ever being in my life again.